I am always baffled when people ask me, "How ever did you BOND with your adopted child(ren)? After all, they're not YOURS?"
Well, first off...they *ARE* mine. In every since of the word, except for the use of my own body to deliver them. I truly could not love them more if I had popped them out all by myself. However, the truth is that it has not always come naturally.
We adopted a beautiful sibling group of 3 several years ago; a strapping young boy & his two beautiful little sisters. As a mom who couldn't physically give birth to my own children, it was a dream come true for my husband and I.
However, I've always struggled with the whole "girly girl" thing. My own mom was never a hands-on kind of mom; she didn't get on the floor and play with my sisters and I, nor did she miraculously start playing Barbie dolls with us or constantly twirl our hair into beautiful creations ooh'd and ahh'd over by our friends at school or church. No, mom had been one of 13 kids in her family...where one on one affection was shown few and far between. But she did the best she could.
Why, then, am I so much harder on myself that I was on her? I seemed to inherit her non-girly-girl genes; rarely did I get on the floor with my children, and barely ever did I touch a Barbie or a hair clip. Even now, at 9 & 11, my girls fix their own hair - one loves to twirl hers into a new creation every half hour, the other (like myself) seems to fine with hers hanging in 20 directions & tassled with the wind.
While I've given my own mother grace in this area, I've beat myself up emotionally over and over again for not being a "better mom" to them, and investing more girly-girl time in them. Have I damaged them for any future motherhood of their own?
I don't think so....and a blog that I follow regularly posted this article this morning; and right after I read it, I prayed and asked God to give me the strength to forgive myself for ever thinking that my unconditional love for my kids was ever not enough for them. I realize now that I *DID* bond with my kids; all 3 of them. The ways I show my love for them may be different than I had planned, but they are no less than a miracle for this Mom.
When Mom Struggles With Bonding in Adoption
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Article Study: Impact of Adoption on Adopted Persons
Recently, the Board members at the CFAA conducted a meeting in which part of our "job" was to do an article study; basically, exactly what it says! We had copies of an article, "Impact of Adoption on Adopted Persons", from the Child Welfare Information Gateway.
What was inside this article:
What is wonderful about the CFAA, is that each Board member has been affected by adoption at some point; we have some who are adult adoptees, some who have adopted openly, some who have done closed adoptions, etc. Adoption has so many facets; it truly is a "heart issue".
At any rate, we split up into groups of 2 and studied the various components of this article. In "Post-adoption issues", it speaks about loss and grief, and identity development. Many adopted persons (regardless of their current age) experience a type of loss due to losing their birth parents. Questions swirl in the adopted person's head; who do I look like? Is my personality the same as his/hers? Because adoption is not a widespread thing, their grief and sense of loss sometimes is "lost" on others, leaving the adopted person(s) to have feelings of loss, anger, even fear... and a lot of times, they're also left with the questions of whether or not there were other siblings, or other family members "out there".
In regards to openness, searching, and access to family history the article highlights the benefits of open adoptions. Reunions with birth families may happen immediately, or over time. Thanks to the "information age" of social media etc. adoptees are more able to reach out to birth families than ever before.
With managing adoption issues, the article has points about the importance of finding a support group or counseling so that the adoptee does not feel like he/she is alone in dealing with their grief, pain, anger, etc. It also highlights the fact that sometimes the adoptee is "helped" by learning about the experiences of others who were adopted. This can help them cope, and move forward. It can also show them that they're not alone; others have walked this walk before.
For more information on this article, you can go to Child Welfare Information Gateway
What was inside this article:
- Post-adoption issues
- Openness, searching, and access to family history
- Managing adoption issues
What is wonderful about the CFAA, is that each Board member has been affected by adoption at some point; we have some who are adult adoptees, some who have adopted openly, some who have done closed adoptions, etc. Adoption has so many facets; it truly is a "heart issue".
At any rate, we split up into groups of 2 and studied the various components of this article. In "Post-adoption issues", it speaks about loss and grief, and identity development. Many adopted persons (regardless of their current age) experience a type of loss due to losing their birth parents. Questions swirl in the adopted person's head; who do I look like? Is my personality the same as his/hers? Because adoption is not a widespread thing, their grief and sense of loss sometimes is "lost" on others, leaving the adopted person(s) to have feelings of loss, anger, even fear... and a lot of times, they're also left with the questions of whether or not there were other siblings, or other family members "out there".
In regards to openness, searching, and access to family history the article highlights the benefits of open adoptions. Reunions with birth families may happen immediately, or over time. Thanks to the "information age" of social media etc. adoptees are more able to reach out to birth families than ever before.
With managing adoption issues, the article has points about the importance of finding a support group or counseling so that the adoptee does not feel like he/she is alone in dealing with their grief, pain, anger, etc. It also highlights the fact that sometimes the adoptee is "helped" by learning about the experiences of others who were adopted. This can help them cope, and move forward. It can also show them that they're not alone; others have walked this walk before.
For more information on this article, you can go to Child Welfare Information Gateway
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)